He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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