he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
