Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
