You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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