I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
