i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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