Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
