I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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