I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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