I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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