I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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