Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
