Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
