I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
