Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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