allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
