dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
