I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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