I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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