My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The air was thick with penises
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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