tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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