I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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