He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
