I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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