Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
