the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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