my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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