She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
