I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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