Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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