My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
two words: eviction party
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
