I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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