I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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