Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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