3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
