I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
