Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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