You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
