Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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