State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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