Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
