Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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