Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm always down for nudity.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
