she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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