2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
