no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
