dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
