Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
