how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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