he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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