no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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