Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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