I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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