He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
