I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Mom said you looked used
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
