so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
