You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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