No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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