Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
