I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
