I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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