I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize