I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
