The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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