Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
